10 Back-To-School Parenting Behaviors That Need To Stop

It's bac- to-snarky-comments season!

6. You do not need to comment on what my child is or isn't doing. 

"That's too bad you don't have your kids enrolled in advanced chess. I have my kids in advanced chess, and lacrosse, and calculus, and..." There are no two ways about it: I am stupidly excited about school starting.

I don’t know if it was just me, but this has been the longest. summer. ever. 

We ran out of things to do way back in July. The fact that the kids are going back to school soon? FAN.FREAKING.TASTIC.  

We have already gone to a few registration days at school, and I have filled out 9 billion papers stating what the kids are or aren’t allergic to.  

And already, I have seen it begin. The comments. From the parents. 

Listen, we’ve all gone through school decorum before, but before it really begins . . . let’s get some things out of the way.

10 Back-to-School Parent Behaviors That Just Need To Not Happen:

1. Let's start with the basics: If your kid is sick/has incurable lice/the plague . . . for the love of all that's holy, keep them at home. No one wants that nonsense. 

2. Do not ask about my child's medical history. At school. While we are dropping them off. 

"OMG, does she have ADHD? Is she taking medicine? She looks kind of autistic. Did you vaccinate your kids? I have so many opinions on this I am going to tell you while we are trying to make sure our kids still have their backpacks/jackets/shoes/brains!"

3. Self validation bait questions. 

"I am told all the time I don't look old enough to have a 5-year-old. Do you think I look that old?" 

Yeah. Actually, you do look that old. 

4. Working mom vs. SAHM: Neither of you need to comment on the other.

Just shush.

5. Do not comment on what other parents are wearing. 

If it is before 9 a.m., and I have nowhere to go for the day besides dropping my kids off at school . . . chances are I'm not finding my lipstick and heels. Or bra. Unless you're about to tell me you love my flannel kitten PJs, don't speak. 

6. You do not need to comment on what my child is or isn't doing. 

"That's too bad you don't have your kids enrolled in advanced chess. I have my kids in advanced chess, and lacrosse, and calculus, and . . ." 

We get it. Y’all are brilliant. We might not want to be on all the teams you guys are on. Or any. 

7. You do not need to compare our kids.  

"Your kid doesn't know Gaelic? Mine started doing that on his/her own two years ago." 

 Is é sin go hiontach, cares aon duine. (“That’s great. No one cares.”)

No one even speaks Gaelic, dude. 

8. You do not need to compare our SOs, either.

"My wife/husband always takes care of breakfast and lets me sleep in on school days. It's a shame yours doesn't . . ."

9. You especially don't need to comment on anyone's relationship status. 

"Oh, you're not married? I just assumed you were . . . " 

"OMG, my husband has been working for two nights in a row. Single moms, amirite?"

NOPE.

10. Unless the person to whom you are speaking is a really, super-close friend, do not stand in the school parking lot and casually mention how much money you spent on your month long Mediterranean cruise while you were having your entire house redecorated with plated gold and landscaped with magical secret unicorn pampas grass you had imported from Nepal. 

Some of us commoners who couldn't afford vacation at all this year might feel the desire to punch you in the face.

Have a great year!

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