5 (Insane) Things Toddlers Say

Credit: Thinkstock

Credit: Thinkstock

Good news: they'll probably grow out of it. Bad news: probably not until they are 23.

I have toddlers, and teenagers, and they both are quite capable of spouting some pretty laugh/cry/scream-worthy stuff. This week, I bring you: things your toddler will say.

1. I love/hate you. I love mommy/daddy more than you. I don 't want you to be my mommy/daddy anymore.

This isn't meant to hurt you, but it probably will anyway. They don't care. They will turn on you with no warning and no regard for your emotions. As an example, let's say they want to watch Daniel Tiger, and let's say you say no. Commence: I DONT YUV YEW. That's all it takes really. Toddlers have a real loyalty to their TV programming. This also applies to iPad/computer/basically anything with a screen.

Good news: they'll probably grow out of it.

Bad news: probably not until they are 23.


The toddlers credo:

What's mine, is mine. What's yours, is mine. What's that random kid's at the playground, is mine. If I want it, it's mine. If I think I need it, it's mine. Even if I don't need it . . .  it's mine. In case you missed the point, it's all mine. Everything you see. Everything in this whole universe. Mine.

If you try to take what's mine I will tell you I don't yuv yew. I will mean it. (See #1)

3. No.

No. It's the toddler's mantra.

Toddlers: occasionally you may want to say yes. But just take a pause. If in doubt, say no. You can always retract later.

Max, let's go potty. No. Should we brush your teeth? No. Would you like to take a bath? No. It's time to eat. No. We need to pick up our toys. No. Can you share one of your Hot Wheels with your sister? No. (See #2). Do you need to pee/poop/eat? No. Let's wash your hands. No.

Do you want to watch Daniel Tiger? No. YES. I MEAN YES.

And bam. Just like that, you're back in their good graces. I yuv yew more than daddy.

Oh sorry daddy. You're last week's fave.


Toddlers are always hungry/thirsty. It does not matter if they just ate. It does not matter if they just ate an entire pizza. It does not matter if they have a glass of water right in front of them. It does not matter if they drink the entire thing. They are still hungry/thirsty. Don't get excited and think that they are hungry/thirsty for anything awesome, and super nutrient packed, like broccoli. Mostly they are just hungry/thirsty for your food/drink. (See #2. Again.)

But for goodness sake, don't ask them if they want your food/drink. They will say no. (Refer to #3)

5. I want to go to: the park/store/get french fries

Toddlers just basically don't ever want to be at home. You can spend $3,000 on a playground-quality jungle gym. They will play on it for three weeks and then want to know why you won't take them to the park. When you eventually cave in to take them to the park, they will just want to know when they can go to Target. Target is a magical wonderland as far as they're concerned.You can't blame them for that though. Because Target is a magical wonderland. Let's be honest, when was the last time you got out of there and spent less than $100? Never? Me either. When you're done at Target, they are going to want a smoothie/pizza/french fries. (See also: #4.)

If you ask them if they want a smoothie/pizza/french fries, they will say no.

And then reconsider, recant, and say yes.

Just hang in there. The teenage years are right around the corner.

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