Joni Edelman

When you push a small human out of your body, things tend to get a little weird.

We've got Trump, Vladimir, Comey, and all the other players lined up for you. Here are the facts, followed by our IRL translation, to make sure you know that you know all abouts that latest (and possibly tenure-ending) Trump scandal.

I guess the point of a spiritual awakening is just that; if you were already awake, you wouldn’t need a moment that was self-defining. You’d already be defined.

You do not have to hate your body — but you don’t have to love it either. While I'm happy with my fat body, I miss being thin.

It doesn’t get any more difficult to insult ourselves, regardless of how old we are. It would be ideal if it got easier to respect ourselves, but it generally doesn’t do that either. Every year you age, and every year the aging you looks at the you of the years before and thinks, I can’t believe I thought I was fat/ugly/etc.

"Food isn't the enemy –– calling it the enemy is the enemy."

Silly me, I thought the darn thing took care of itself. Little did I know I was sorely mistaken and had a vagina complex.

When I was little, any time I got an insect bite or stubbed my toe, I had to ask my mom, “Am I going to die? If I was going to die from this, I’d already be dead — right?” I also had a 30-minute prayer that I needed to say at each meal or else everyone would be poisoned and die. And corners. I had to check all of them before I went to bed.

Attention Civilians: Colonel David Iverson does not want to see your boobs.

I don’t think of myself as fat. Not inside, anyway.