In Praise Of Lingerie: Dress Your Clitoris Right

Treat the old period-stained undies the way your child treats any undies that don’t have Elsa or Optimus Prime on them: as pariahs. 

You need new underwear.

Seriously. Take a peek at what you’re wearing right now. What shape is the elastic in? Is the lace trim — if there is lace trim — detached at the seams in places? Do you have period stains? You do. We all do. We get period stains on our underwear and we mean to throw them out or relegate them to “period only” status but then you find yourself wearing them all the time because that’s what happens.

And what about your bra? When did you last buy a new bra? Last month? Last year? Sometime after your weaned your last baby? Is your bra doing the job it was hired to do or is it all soft and saggy and barely working as a shield between the world and your nipples?

You need new underwear, don’t you?

Hey! Come back here! Put down those car keys! I know what you’re about to do. You’re going to go to Target and buy a six pack of Jockey For Her and call it victory because “Look, Ma! No period stains!”  And to that I say “FIE! FIE ON COTTON BRIEFS!”

Underpants are how you dress your CLITORIS! Your clitoris desires something fancy, don’t you think? Something soft and slinky or lacy and feminine or red and racy. 

And bras are for dressing your breasts. What have your breasts done for you? Did they help attract your mate? Did they nourish your children? They did, didn’t they? So give them pretty clothes.

Now, I’m not talking about the kind of lingerie that’s all about dressing for your partner. We’re not on a mission to seduce. We’re on a mission to give you the skivvies you deserve. This is the moment to dress for you — for your own comfort and beauty, for a sense of intimacy with yourself and who you are as a woman. Don’t buy someone else’s definition of pretty or sexy, here. Dress your private bits for you. 

Go to a store that sells nice lingerie (Not a website, for the love of all things holy. The pictures show women with a 19-year-old's skin elasticity and implants. You cannot guess how your boobs will look in a bra worn by an adolescent with silicon breasts). Walk around and look at the wares. Ask to be measured and fitted. Talk to a saleslady about where you want your breasts to sit on your chest and whether you prefer thongs or hipsters. Buy a few nice things and then wear them! Not just for date night, wear them every day. Treat the old period-stained undies the way your child treats any undies that don’t have Elsa or Optimus Prime on them: as pariahs. Wear the pretty stuff because you deserve pretty stuff!

Make your underthings part of your beauty routine, not just a utilitarian layer under your clothes. Let the layer closest to your skin be something that makes you feel lovely. It’s really worth it.

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