"Tirimisu for Two: I would never just have my nails painted for my own pleasure and enjoyment. I’ve done this for you. For us. It’s all about snagging a partner." Image: Thinkstock
I’m Not Really a Waitress
That’s right. So while you are sitting smug in your banquette ordering bruschetta that you pronounce carefully with a “k,” I obviously have better things to do.
I am more than this apron. But also less. I have three children at home and my husband is dead. My landlord is threatening to kick us out. I don’t have to be the caretaker for your sorry lot. That’s what he said.
So, what dressing would you like on your salad? And if I make eye contact with you, will you leave me a bigger tip? If I bend over in my restaurant-provided deep V-neck t-shirt? How about then?
Because, you see, I’m not really a waitress.
Chick Flick Cherry
If it’s about romance, it’s a chick flick. About love: chick flick. Maybe it’s about chickens. Poultry love. Either way: for you, I’ll watch it. So you can pop my cherry afterwards. My nail polish is just asking for it.
Muir Muir on the Wall
With this great color, you can have an entire redwood forest on your nails! How eco are you!? Forget the chemicals! Let’s think about those beautiful giant trees that we are killing slowly, but not so slowly.
Can't Find My Czechbook
All I do is shop. And I’m Czech. Because those things go together. But I am so absent-minded I can’t find my checkbook and Daddy took away my credit cards.
Suzy Says Feng Shui
Does Suzy say that? Is Suzy even Chinese? I mean, she could be. But really, she wears a cheongsam for formal events and eats eggrolls on Tuesdays and Peking Duck on Christmas. She’s also way into feng shui. So, isn’t that the same thing?
No More Mr. Night Sky
This is a pun. Get it? No more Mr. Night Sky. No more Mr. Nice Guy. See, this whole time I’ve just been acting. Pretending to be the nice guy. The good guy. The guy you’d bring home to your mom. But you’re being such a tease. Your nails even, are such a tease. So, no more Mr. Night Sky.
My Vampire is Buff
I can’t stand up for myself, but don’t you worry. I’ve got my boyfriend, the vampire, right here to fight you off if you should make trouble. And he’s been going to Crossfit. So I’d watch out — don’t even look my way.
My Chihuahua Bites
We only own dogs we can carry in our purses. Our pets must be dainty.
Tirimisu for Two
I would never just have my nails painted for my own pleasure and enjoyment. I’ve done this for you. For us. It’s all about snagging a partner. Oh, do I have a little mascarpone on my lip? Want to wipe it away for me?
My Gondola or Yours?
See above. This is what will happen after our tiramisu.
Let's Do Anything We Want
This means — and this should be obvious — we should have sex on the beach. Or run naked through the Colosseum.
We should not spend two hours at a used bookstore sneezing and reading the notes in the inside covers of coffee table books. We should not have intelligent conversations while overlooking the beach. “Anything we want” means scandalous.
Color So Hot it Berns
I can’t possibly think of politics without adding a sexual element to it. My nail polish is socialist. I’m making a statement.
Juice Bar Hopping
We don’t eat steaks and fried things. We take in 1200 calories. 1199 is ok. 1201 is not. We drink kale and cucumbers and wheatgrass and down, down, down into our gullets they go.
Lost my Bikini on Molokini
Oh, this color is like I’m totally naked. Does it turn you on? It’s meant to evoke that sun-kissed skin. The triangles of white on my breasts and pubic bone, which is perfectly shaved into a small strip. Cost a fortune to get that done. But, you know. Vanity.
So now I’m naked and on the bus. I’m naked and climbing the stairs from the subway. I’m naked and I ride the elevator up to the thirty-third floor and sit, naked, in my cube, so that Greg from accounting can make one of his comments and this time it’d be appropriate.
I’d be asking for it. Because I am naked. Because I left my bikini and — it turns out — all my clothes on Molokini.
Which, by the way, was a leper colony for seven years.
How Great is your Dane?
This isn’t about your dog.