Jody Allard

No, really. It turns out that incredibly strong viruses have been chilling in the arctic (see what I did there?) for millennia, and NOW they are being uncovered by the melting of the ice.

If imagining the Oregon militia huddled together for warmth now that the Feds have cut off their power fills you with Brokeback Mountain inspired nostalgia, you aren't alone.

Before you run to the bathroom to puke out your human DNA containing hot dog while sobbing over delicious bacon, let me clear up a few misconceptions.

If you're anything like me, the only enjoyable part of shopping at Costco is the samples. It's always packed, there's nowhere to park, people push their massive fucking carts slower than molasses in January, and everything about it makes me homicidal EXCEPT for the sweet, sweet lure of the samples.

"It's simple, really. If you can muddy the waters enough, and espouse concern for the rights of those poor defenseless embryos enough, what should be a simple statement about the rights of women to make choices for their own bodies becomes, instead, a convoluted argument around viability and fetal stages that puts the presumed "rights" of fetuses on an equal footing with the actual rights of adult women."

In case you live on Mars, which is the only possible way you've missed the shitshow that is Kim Davis, this isn't Davis's first rodeo. Oh no, Davis was released from jail earlier this week after she was found in contempt of court for refusing to issue marriage licenses. This order came not just from the local courts, but was backed by the god damn Supreme Court of the United States. Because, you know, you should totally ignore the highest court in the fucking nation.

He characterized the "serious problem" with domestic violence as a failure by the couples to have "a true marriage" and attacked the politicians who support what he termed "quickie divorces" (you know, the ones that save battered women's lives).

ICYMI, today marks the first official day of the seasonal return of the Starbucks pumpkin spice latte.

In today's news, the sky is blue, Republican lawmakers are assholes, and the House just voted to defund Planned Parenthood. Again.

Photo Credit: Elizabeth Boyce