Rebekah Kuschmider

Yesterday, the big news in food science was that BUTTER ISN’T BAD FOR YOU AFTER ALL! It turns out that butter, like other saturated fats, isn’t the health demon-food that we were once told it was. I think now we’re supposed to do Kermit-arms and dance around rejoicing that we can butter our toast with impunity.

There’s another entrepreneur out there who wants to teach us to masturbate better, too. And they’re ready to send smart-tech into our vaginas to make it happen.

Can you believe it’s only been eight weeks since Trump took office? That’s not even a full school marking period.

And here I thought the best way to improve sexual performance was to be attentive to your partner and discuss what feels good and what feels even better. Silly sex-positive me.

We interrupt this dumpster fire that is the United States of America in 2017 to bring you what is probably the most horrifying news in the history

Mr. Rogers famously told us all to look for the helpers in times of great stress. Well, this is a time of great stress and I found a helper — specifically, a little dog in Australia who is helping this boy.

Ohio Governor and Republican Presidential aspirant John Kasich reassured the gathered crowd that a lack of support has never deterred him from seeking office. He referenced an early campaign in his career when “I didn’t have anybody for me. We just got an army of people who —and many women who left their kitchens to go out and go door to door and put yard signs up.”

The Iowa state House of Representatives advanced a bill yesterday that would make it lawful for children to use hand guns, with the direct supervision of parents.

Evidently, the man reached the security checkpoint of the Visitors Center and pulled a gun on the security force, whose job it is to prevent people with guns from infiltrating the Capitol complex and taking out US lawmakers. They shot the guy and sent him off to the the hospital for surgery. His condition is currently unknown.

While most of the region was huddled in their homes with hot beverages and endless blizzard coverage, some intrepid Senators and their staffs made their way to the Capitol to gavel in a session of the Senate. And who were these dedicated public servants? I’ll tell you one thing: they weren’t men.