Rebekah Kuschmider

The race itself was anti-climactic because it wasn’t a race. It was basically two heats of a race. First, scientists convinced a wild great white to chase a hunk of fake seal meat for 100 meters so they could time it. Then Phelps donned a specially designed shark suit and swam the exact same route.

Kids are now colluding with the clowns. This. Is. Serious.

Got a kink? Think you’re weird because of it? Turns out, nah. Kink is in!

Women are a big topic in politics. Whether you’re the first viable female presidential candidate, stumping for paid parental leave, campaigning on reducing access to abortion, or — if you're Donald Trump — talking about female reporters being on their period, the topic of women is inescapable on the campaign trail. You can't win an election without women. Well, women voters.

But can you win an election without any women on your senior staff?

I got a puppy last fall, and I’ve spent about a zillion dollars on different things for her to chew. She really likes bully sticks, which are dehydrated bull penises. It cracks me up every time I give one to her and say, “Here. Go eat a dick.”

Evidently, the man reached the security checkpoint of the Visitors Center and pulled a gun on the security force, whose job it is to prevent people with guns from infiltrating the Capitol complex and taking out US lawmakers. They shot the guy and sent him off to the the hospital for surgery. His condition is currently unknown.

Is there anything better than baby animals? No, there is not. Baby animals are the best.

Yesterday, the big news in food science was that BUTTER ISN’T BAD FOR YOU AFTER ALL! It turns out that butter, like other saturated fats, isn’t the health demon-food that we were once told it was. I think now we’re supposed to do Kermit-arms and dance around rejoicing that we can butter our toast with impunity.

After much deliberation, the Food Police have determined that caffeine, in moderation, is still not bad for people. You are free to drink 400 mg of caffeine a day— the equivalent of 36 ounces of regular coffee — and nothing bad will happen to you.

The standoff over a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon took a bloody turn last night when eight of the protestors engaged with federal authorities. One man has been killed, another injured and the remaining six people were arrested.