Rebekah Kuschmider

There are bedtime stories, and then there are bed time stories. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge — know what I mean?

Today we have kind of a head scratcher of a story out of Austin, Texas.

Erin O'Flaherty, Miss Missouri, is the first openly gay Miss America contestant.

The FDA has announced that Mibelas 24 Fe pills, made by Lupin Pharmaceuticals, is under recall due to packaging errors that mixed up the active pills and the placebos. In the case of the recalled lot, the packets have 24 active pills, four placebo pills, then four more placebo pills. That’s too many days without the active pills and your body — your pregnancy risk just got a WHOLE LOT HIGHER.

Surgeons at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, MD are planning to attempt the first US penis transplant. The surgery will be performed on a soldier who was wounded in Afghanistan.

Beyonce just might be a Black Bill Gates in the making. Slay.

We already know that white supremacists made their appearance by torchlight, guns in plain sight, so we would all see, unmistakably, that racist filth is here and they are not afraid to show their faces. They have showed us how far they are willing to go. But stay strong and vigilant. We must be the better angels of America.

Is Hillary Clinton going to jail for having email? The world — and last night’s debate moderators — want to know!

The short answer is: probably not.

Unless one of her emails contains a confession for actually killing Vince Foster. Which seems unlikely, since Hillary has a law degree from Yale and I think the first thing they teach you there is, “Don’t write incriminating shit down.”

Breaking!

I have zero interest in reliving the years of mutually assured destruction that characterized U.S.-Russian relations during my childhood. And I definitely don't want to do it with Kim Jong Un, who is far less level-headed than Mikhail Gorbachev. And I sure as hell don't want to do it with Donald Trump.