Sexual Assault

My now-husband was stunned the first time I told him what I do while walking alone. I mentioned behavior typical of so many city-dwelling women: carrying pepper spray, checking my back every block, trying to look confident while struggling to properly breathe. After a moment of silence, he teared up and said, “I don’t want you to have to worry.”

It took me a long time to understand consent. I knew that forcing sex on someone was rape. I knew that one in five women would be raped in their lifetime. I knew that the majority of rape victims knew their attacker. But beyond that, my understanding got cloudy.

I know he did not finish our program duration. I know that I finished the program with no friends, and very few people who even believed me. I consider myself very lucky to have survived the situation with mostly just a bruised ego, but I will always feel guilty.

Men of Color, especially Black men, have historically been coded as animalistic abusers and r*pists when it comes to white women. This stems from the idea that Men of Color literally want to steal and sully the belongings of white men. In turn, it becomes the “duty” of white men to protect white women — not because they truly care about white women, but because white women are the property of white men.

[M]y therapist pointed out there’s a huge discrepancy in the way I present myself. On the one hand, I am a successful working person who seems fine and normal. On the other hand, I have a hard time with basic self-care and very often experience dissociation, depression, and anxiety as a result of sexual trauma and PTSD. And between these seemingly different people is a huge gap occupied by denial.

March is always an awful month for me. In Cape Town — my home town — March marks the beginning of autumn. Summer’s exhilarating heat comes to a sobering end. Sweltering afternoons and nights spent around the fire ominously disappear, soon to be replaced by gusts of winds and air so cold it literally hurts your face.

In what might be the WTF-iest story in the history of WTF, a woman in Texas is suing the state for wrongly imprisoning her for a month, during which time she was subjected to physical and mental abuse at the hands of guards and other prisoners. What was her crime? Being a rape victim who suffered a mental collapse while testifying.

The tale of women faking the big O has been around forever, and is often bandied about as a joke. But when it becomes an act of self protection, it is a massive negotiation on a woman's sexuality.