self-love

[CN: sexual assault] It happened to my mom, three of my best friends, and then it finally happened to me. Like so many women, I never imagined I’d face such a terrible violation, let alone that I would have to struggle to recover.

I wanted to keep people at a distance. I wanted sympathy and validation. I believed that I was inherently unworthy. However, lately, I’ve begun to change my mind — or rather, it’s started to change on its own.

If you’re an entrepreneur like myself, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. No one is looking over your shoulder to see if you’re on-task, but you’re probably working 12+ hour days anyway.

The body and face we have today is such a tenuous thing. The longer I live, the more strongly aware I am that there are no promises of health or wholeness. Beauty is fleeting, and does it matter anyway if your body suddenly ceases to work the way it "should"? Would I regret the days I spent peering at imperfections if suddenly my sight were gone?

What if masturbation doesn’t work for you? What if you’ve tried fingers, vibrators, porn, fantasies, and even romancing yourself with glasses of wine, and you still can’t seem to get there?

Long story short — she got two staples in her head. But the deeper story is a feeling that welled up in me that needed further investigation. I had this fleeting feeling that she was now damaged because she would have a scar. I remember feeling the same way the day I picked her up from daycare to find out she had a chipped tooth. “She’s not perfect anymore.” Holy crap, where are these thoughts coming from and where do they have the potential to go?

You might not think of food as being a savior in eating disorder recovery, but I have actually found food to be one of my greatest sources of refuge — and not in a relapse sort of way.

I applaud you for being here. I applaud you for giving life the five fingers of death and deciding to show up for whatever the day brings — every day.