Welcome to my OCD kitchen! I’m sure you’ll find it a delicious and well-stocked place. There are just a few rules:
Please take the eggs out from the front of the carton only, not haphazardly from any place you feel like. Remember, front to back. (Like wiping.)
And while we’re on the topic of eggs, make sure the expiration date on the carton is facing you. Why do you think it’s there? So it can face the back of the fridge and you have no idea when they go bad? Of course not.
Don’t — I repeat, don’t — use a fork or (gasp!) a serrated knife on the tub of whipped butter. They call them “butter knives” for a reason. That reason being that you use them for butter.
Likewise, please refrain from gouging hunks out of said whipped butter. It should be gently and uniformly scraped from center to side so the surface is as even as humanly possible.
Keep the fruit in the drawer that’s marked “fruit” and the veggies in the drawer marked “vegetables.” Don’t even ask why. You know the answer.
Yogurt should be arranged in expiration date order, front to back, and eaten accordingly. I don’t care if you’re in the mood for blueberry. You’ll eat the blood orange if it’s next in line, and you’ll like it!
It’s acceptable to put a one or two-liter bottle of soda in the slide-out wine compartment. As long as it’s not marked “wine.” Then all bets are off.
And while we’re talking compartments, don’t put anything but soda in the door’s soda can section. It will throw the world off its axis. My world, at least.
Still on the compartments subject, no matter how tempting it is, don’t put eggs in the egg-holders. How do you know the expiration date if you toss the box?
Tupperware is kept in a specific, clearly-marked drawer just for plastic containers — no glass! — neatly nested, with lids also tucked into said drawer.
Little and big forks must not be mixed. Put them in their designated slots in the silverware drawer. There’s nothing worse than wanting a big fork and pulling out a cake fork, is there? Especially if there’s no cake.
Ditto for tablespoons and teaspoons. You’re welcome!
When loading the dishwasher, put in the utensils with their “heads” — i.e. the tines of the forks and the bowls of the spoons facing up. Yes, “that little scoopy part” of a spoon has a name. You’re welcome…again.
The exception to the above mentioned rule is steak knives, which should be loaded with the points facing down. Do you want a stigmata wound in the palm when you’re unloading? Of course, you don’t. Especially if you’re not Catholic.
And never, ever load utensils into anywhere but the utensil holder. No explanation needed. Why anyone would even think of doing that is beyond me!
Plates should be stacked in the dishwasher as orderly as possible: bowls wedged against bowls, same-size plates with same-size plates. They should be facing the center of the dishwasher, meeting approximately in the middle to ensure the proper water-to-detergent ratio.
Dishwasher loading should be as strategic as possible to permit the above-referenced even dispersal of detergent. For example, always place cups and mugs facing down on the top shelf. I don’t care if you think you can squeeze in a few more on the bottom. Don’t.
Much like Tupperware, pots and pans should be neatly nested in size order. Ditto for their lids. As with all of the above, it’s what separates us from the animals.