Intoxicated Interviews With Sam & Joni: Inaugural Edition

Joni: I think once you accept the Stork into your life you have to take the babies. #TRUTH

What do you get when you combine a 41-year-old cisgender mom of five and a 24-year-old queer writer with questionable judgment AND tequila (or Kahlua WHATEVER)? You get a lot of conversation, a lot of laughs, and a lot of typos (this interview was created via a shared Google doc, which is both convenient AND confusing. Because simultaneous typing).

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Intoxicated Interviews with Sam and Joni. Where we take shots and talk about stuff. And things. And then we don’t edit it. At all.

Now that you know a bit about us, let’s cut to the absurdity. 

SHOT ONE (well, and two):

Joni: Sam, what are we talking about tonight?

(PS I SMELL REAL BAD BECAUSE I DON’T WEAR DEODORANT. BECAUSE ALZHEIMER'S. AND I HAVEN’T TAKEN A SHOWER.)

Sam: I can actually smell you from here. Yikes. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT CHILDREN, JONI.

J: SAM TYPE IN A DIFFERNENT COLOR. Don’t be daft. I didn’t spell different right.

S: Shit I can’t even find the color I picked in the first place.

J: Just pick any fucking color Sam.

S: A CLASSIC BLACK. There we go. (J: no one is going to see any of these colors when this is published)

J: KIDS. And go! I have FIVE. Of them. Kids. They all came out of my body. And I sort of raised my sister. She did not come out of my body but technically she could have because she’s 14 years younger than me.

S: I have no children and I have no plans to have children and I really hope that humans never exit my body ever. EVER.

J: So, what I’m hearing is that you don’t want kids?

S: It’s confusing because I love kids. I fucking love children. But I also don’t feel like I’d make a super duper parent. So my thought is like, I should I don’t know, mentor kids? I should be a mentor. I should like, benefit kids in a capacity that is not parenthood. Because I’d fuck that up FOR SURE.

J: OMG do you want to mentor any of MINE? Because, I don’t know if you heard, I have FUCKING FIVE OF THEM. (BRB BOOZE)

S: The first time you mentioned that you have five kids I was like WHAT THE ACTUAL. FIVE HUMANS. FIVE HUMANS CAME OUT OF YOU. Like, not at the same time, but they came out and like, that sounds painful and scary WHY DID YOU DO THAT??

Also YES, I will mentor the fuck out of your children. That’s how I spread the gay agenda across America.

SHOT TWO (that means 3 for you Sam. GO):

S: An excuse to consume more kahlua? OKAY HERE I GO.

J: OK. Man I lost the cursor. That was scary. Here is why I had five kids: The first one was because I needed to love something that would love me back. The second one was because my diaphragm leaked. The third one was because my birth control pill failed. BIRTH CONTROL LIES. DOUBLE UP BITCHES.

The fourth one was because I got remarried and always wanted a fourth one, which isn’t the REASON I got married but it worked out. And the fifth one was so the fourht one didn’t grow up an only child and become an asshole (I spelled fourth wrong but I’m not changing it because VODKA).

WAIT. This is a valid transgender question. How does the kids thing work for most trans folk? Adopt? Go ahead and do it the uterus way? This is fucking rude but I genuinely don’t know.

S: I’m drunk. Here’s my really articulate answer: Pregnancy in trans folks and baby makin’ shit is a CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE! Some folks freeze their eggs or sperm prior to hormones and that opt for a surrogate later. Some folks have the parts and do it the “old fashioned way.” Some folks adopt. Other trans folks like myself just want to get a dog and call it a day.

J: I have two dogs. DO you want one of mine?

S: I live in an apartment where I’m not allowed to have a dog or a cat and every day my soul dies a little without an animal companion. Life is fucking hard.

J: I’m not trying to minimize your suffering but dogs are a racket man. They get hair EVBERYWHERE. BUT also I have five kids so maybe my tolerance is reduced.

That’s not how you spell everywhere AT ALL. I got a new keyboard. It’s probably that.

S: It’s totally the keyboard.

You know what I need right now? tnachos. NACHOS. Nachos.

J: OMG I JUST had a spicy potato TACO. WHich only

happened bc of you

Sam. WTF ARE YOU DOING WITH MY

SPACING

S: I am entertaining myself.

E ME TACOS OMG TACOS WAIT GIVE ME

J: I can’t help upi with the tacos from the Central Valley. There are a LOT of taco trucks here though. (I can still use italics).

WAIT. Do you want to ask me things about kids? Or having them? Or vagina births?

OR BOOBS AND BREASTFEEDING?

S: WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM

J: Our blessed Heavenly Father.

Or a stork.

One of those.

S: Wait so then what is a “vagina birth” as you called it above? Do you give birth to the stork who then fetches you a human baby?

J: Yes. That’s exact;ly how it happens. But first you have to raise the stork. Which means A) eating grubs and B) vomiting into the storcks mouth. It’s a messy business. I feel like I must be drunker than you because I can’t type any more.

S: I am definitely drunk and I am sweating a lot. I don’t know why I’m swaeating so much. But I am .

J: It’s probably because you are nervius toi talk to me because of my aweomwness.

S: TALKING ABOUT STORKS MAKES MY PAMS . PALMS. SWEAT

J: Maybe it was the mention of regurgitation. (I SPELLED THAT RIGHT)

S: Wait so if you want a stork but you don’t a want baies babies BABIES can you keep the stork and forfeit the babies? #lifehacks

J: I think once you accept the Stork into your life you have to take the babies. #TRUTH

S: So where do they get the storks at the zoo? Does the zoo have storks? omg JOni can we go to the zoo? wait zoos are bad zoos are bad for animals aren’t they? isn’t this a moral grey? I’M GETING EXISTENTIA LJONI

J: POK WAIT. JUST BREATHE.. We can get through this. My oldest daugher took my two litteslt (wtf even is that word) to the zoo yesterday. BUT they have like a whole African safari thing and also a big pool for sea otters or some other furry fucking swimming thing. OH GOD NOW I FEEL BAD>

S: I think I’m crying. I’m actualy crying because all i want right now is a sea otter to hold hands with .Have yo uever seen those videos??? WITH THE OTTERS THAT HOLD HANDS??? THEY NEVER LET GO.

J: NO> SNED ME A LINK I just did a word count and we have written a lot of words

S: THEY NEVER LET GO IT’S LIKE THAT MOVIE WITH THE SHIP THAT SINKS WHERE BASICALY EVERYONE DIES?? THE BIG SHIP that HITS a big thing of ICE . TITANIS TITNA. TITANIC!

J: OMG THEY ARE HOLDOING HANDS FOR 1 minute and 40 seconds.

OMG Now I feel really bad about the zoo.

Also I thought you wanted a fucking TACO not an otter

S: I WANT TO HOLD AN OTTER”s HAND WHILE I eating tacos!!!! #dreams

J: I’m weeping. BRB watching that again.

I’m back. What happened. BRB BOOZA+

SHOT THREE (FOUR):

J: we have to wrap this up soonbecause omg I msell so bad and my phone is in my little kids’ room plahing mozart and I need it. But really I need a shower so bad. I am offending muyself.

WAIT. We shold talk about body odor.

S: I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO REPLY WITHOUT REALizING I NEDded to scroll down OMG

body odor is a thing that i sometimes deal with as a huma b eing that produces smells =. i am nervous to start tesotstonre BECAUSEEE i heard that it makes you smell weird and yeah i dont know about that

J: OK A. I just did the same thingbc I was like WHERE IS SAM. But then you were right there. B. I can attest that I smell as bad as my husband. I am pretty sure he has more testosterone than me. But also I am sort of hariy so maybe not.

S: in a year from nwo i can . i am * gonna be so hairy AHHHHHHHHHHH

J: OMG SPEAKGIN of children. My 15-year-old shaves his armpits but he was like “Hey I’m ok with girls having hair” and I was like IT’S ACTUALLY PART OF BEING A HUMAN OWEN. But then I was like “WAX MY ARMS BC I WANT TO SEE MY FRECKLES”

SO he did.

And now I can see my frecjkles. But I don’t shave my armpits.

S: still a better love story than twilight AM I RTIEE?? my armpits have hair in them and i waaaaaant it thatttttttt wayyyyyyyyy TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

J: This summer my nfriend told me pit hair was gross. OOP{S.

S: LIES. how is hair gross. what about it is gross. SOMEONE XPLAIN. lies lies lies.

J: I ALSO DO NOT DO ANY BUSH MAINTENACNE. I am not waxing my vag (well VULVA to be accurate). NOPE. Did it. Overrated

S: You know the galaxy dye jobs and the glitter in dudes’ beards?? like i envision my… YEP GALAXY AND GLITTER AND EVERYTHING, down there, blowing my lovers away with its glory

J: WAIT. Can you do that? IS THAT A THING? I would do that. But I’m not waxing my asshole. Like what do people expect to find on a asshole?

IT IS AN ACTUAL ASSHOLLE.

S: i have no fracking clue if it’s a thing but IT SHOULD BE. there’s so much potential WHY ARE PEOPLE NOT SEIZING THE DAY AND MAKING THEIR PUBES AS FAB AS POSSIBLE??

J: HIPSTER PUBES. Let’s do thisd.

(PS I am prety sure I better not go back down my stairs. Last year I broke my whole fucking foot on my staris and I was STONE ASS SOBER)

S: YOUR WHOLE FOOT????? HOW DOES ONE BREAK THE ENTIRE FOOT

J: Ok it was justall the tendons and ligaments but I still can stand up right. Because I never got surgery whcih was proabaly a bad idea. BUT FIVE KIDS SAM. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR SURGERY.

Rememberhow we were talking about kids.

S: oh yeah we were talking about kids WHICH I LACK. and dogs :( and otters :( why am i so alnoe?? ALONE ALONE ALONE

J: Would you like me to knit you a cat? I domnt know if I can do a dog.

S: PLEASE OH MY GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE KNOT . KNIT ME A CAT. PLEASE. i actually have stuffed american children (stuffed animal = derogatory) named Elijah and Penguin and they are an elephant and penguin respectively and I love them. Why am I sharing this. I don’t know. I forget

J: I THINK you need to tell America why stuffed animal = derogaroty fuck I did that wrong

S: well I can’t speak for all stuffed americans but my children have said that it creates a hierarchy and their status as “stuffed animals” has been used to put them in their place ie a shelf and baby cribs

J: what if they are made in China?

S: maybe in the next interview we can talk to my children and they can educate the public about this very important issue

J: OKAY we sholdbe done bcthis is v v long now BUT did you see that doc on Netflix about clothing factoriwes in Bangladesh? Because that will make you enevr want clothes again\

S: NO I still like clothes :((:(

J: OK defintely do not wathc that then.

OMG I THINK I AM REL DURNK.

S: this is actually going to need eidting hahahaha

J: This is weird bc I am old but I want to hug you and be like your mom or maybe like your mom but also like the person whoi cooks things for you

S: PLEASE ADOPT ME

J: K are you opposed rto room sharing? Our house is 2100 sq ft but it’s preety tight

S: BETTER IDEA. e-adopt me. that way i can stay in my cute apartment

J: OK I DON’T KNOW WH

AT THAT MEANS but startbcallingm e mom that’s totally cool

OMG I DRANK TOO MUCH

S: THIS IS GOING TO BE FACEBOOK OFFICIAL

J: SHUT UP

I AM FUCKING DWON TO BE E-MOM

S: REQUEST SENT LOL

also do you make lasagna ever???

J: YES AND IT IS GOOD AND I EVEN HAVE MYOWN PASTA MAKER

ANfd I am your mom now

I hope your actual mom isn’t pissed.

S:

1. my actual mom loves you

2. she is not my facebook friend hahaha, i don’t add any real (ie biological) family on facebook KEEPIN’ THE PEACE

J: OMG tjat is a good idea. Because I had to blck mu mom. She is an actial lunatic

I can say that because I am TOO except I take meds

S: #REFORMED

J: PS I LOVE YOU

S: I LOVE YOU TOO

J: Ihave to pee real bad. If I sneeze it is over

S: GO PEE!!!

J: OMG AFTER KIDS> PEE HAPPENS

S: you’re really selling me on this kid thing I CAN’T WAIT

J: DON’T DO IT SAM. I PEE MY PANTS LIEK EVERY DAY

S: NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

END OF SEssION.

J: OOPS 2300 words

S: Yeah some edits MIGHT BE NECESSARY.

:D

J: couple

POSTMORTEM:

J: I need excedrin.