mental health

My compulsions feel like the manifestation of all my faults, rather than what I logically understand them to be: symptoms of an illness I happen to have. I am so ashamed of them that I go to extreme lengths to hide them from the people around me.

Spotted: Embarcadero, SF

“You are not the only person in the world who has anxiety. You are not the only person in the world who has depression. You’re not the only person in the world who has thoughts of self-harm. There are people who want to help you. There are people who have spent their entire lives helping people like you and me and all of the people that you’re seeing in this video. And you’re not alone. You are okay.”

Two months ago, I filed for disability for unmedicated bipolar disorder. I had spent weeks dangling from tiring hands over a spiky precipice – or so it seemed. There were days of crying at my desk, days of inexplicable panic attacks in the face of a normal workload.

If we openly acknowledge that these are life-long struggles for many people and that you’ll slip up, mess up and some days, panic attacks will happen, then it’s not so terrifying when they do. By putting the focus back on improving life where we can, with the tools we have, and doing the best we can, we take the pressure off ourselves to find a cure or be cured.

"I had always pictured myself spending afternoons studying there. I instead found myself curled up on one of those benches at five in the morning, promising the crises hotline operator that no, I did not want to kill myself. I just didn’t know who else to call."

If you're a woman, in or near your forties, and a perpetual people-pleaser, I have good news for you! You're about to enter a new stage of psychological wisdom and maturity. The people-pleasing that ate away at your sanity is going to become a thing of the past.

I dreaded putting him back on Concerta in the fall but I knew I had to. Or did I?